Church ministry can be a catalyst for making healthy families. Yet, ministry can be hard on the families of pastors, ministers, and Christian leaders.
Being an integral part of a healthy church community has a great many practical benefits for families. The friendships formed, spiritual support, building meaningful mentor relationships, learning life lessons from the Bible, worshiping together, intergenerational functions and fellowship activities are incredibly valuable for helping families on all levels.
While a minister’s family may enjoy these benefits, there are stressors and pressures in ministry life that can impact the family unit. Among them are uncooperative people in leadership, discouragement in the roles of the pastor and/or the pastor’s spouse, depression, being grossly underpaid, or feeling that the church leader’s family is “living in a fishbowl.” In addition, ministers may feel they are not good enough to meet expectations. They may experience the highly vocal judgment of a congregation member or feel pressured to be someone they are not. It is challenging to deal with some of these issues and not bring them home where the family is affected.
A paradox of ministry is that the family may be a motivating force in deciding to go into the ministry in the first place. A spouse may observe that their husband or wife is very talented in leadership and has a gift. A parent may also get involved in their child’s Christian school or church youth group. Seeing their child’s educational and spiritual benefit, the parent may step forward to help and end up in a weighty leadership role. What started as a heartfelt desire to encourage and support a family member may take on a life of its own and take precious time away from the person or family they intended to benefit.
For some, the intensity of it all causes a growing percentage of pastors to give up the ministry. For others, church ministry ends as the result of the fallout from a troubled marriage, an overwhelming difficulty with an adolescent child, or guilt from raising children to adulthood who reject the gospel altogether. Life is hard, and those who serve the church are not immune from the tragedies of life.
Adding another layer to this scenario is the spiritual warfare with which believers wrestle. In the Apostle Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, we read in chapter 6, verses 10-12:
10 Finally, brothers and sisters, draw your strength and might from God. 11 Put on the full armor of God to protect yourselves from the devil and his evil schemes. 12 We’re not waging war against enemies of flesh and blood alone. No, this fight is against tyrants, against authorities, against supernatural powers and demon princes that slither in the darkness of this world, and against wicked spiritual armies that lurk about in heavenly places. (The Voice Translation).
In over twenty-one years of active church ministry, I have observed that it is common for ministers who are deeply committed to the Lord’s work to undergo intense heartache, most often in those relationships that matter the most to them. It may be with a spouse, a child, or grown children. It is our families that have our hearts and sometimes break our hearts.
In the tumultuous times of Nehemiah, when the families of Jerusalem were striving valiantly to rebuild the wall around their city, Nehemiah showed brilliant and spirit-led leadership. Even though opposition to the rebuilding was fierce, Nehemiah urged his people on. In Nehemiah 4:14 we read:
Then, as I looked over the situation, I called together the nobles and the rest of the people and said to them, “Don’t be afraid of the enemy! Remember the Lord, who is great and glorious, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes!” (New Living Translation).
The family leaders who rebuilt the wall (Nehemiah 4:18) were pictured as having a construction tool in one hand and a weapon in the other (Nehemiah 4:18). They were not merely building a wall. It was the Lord’s work, and they were fighting for their families.
There are truly exciting aspects to the life of ministry. Seeing changed lives, being a part of a growing and life-filled community, and watching God transform individuals, families, and communities is compelling work. There will always be more need than time to accomplish the job. It feels good to know that God is using us to help other people in their struggles and bring a message of hope to those who desperately need that word.
Yet, our most significant ministry is to our families. Finding that balance between family and ministry is no easy task. Soul searching is needed. We must seriously and soberly question our motives for the depth of involvement on our ministry calendars. In retrospect, answers to these types of questions often become clear.
If we imagine that by God’s grace, we might live a long and meaningful life and hope to be able to say as the curtains close on our earthly days that we fought the good fight and kept the faith… who do we want by our bedside? There is no question. It is our families, our loved ones. Part of the “good fight” is fighting for our families. It is giving them our hearts, time, and resources and loving them with our whole beings.
We can not change the past, but we have today to make decisions to help create a better future for our families. If we need to hold the tools of our trade in one hand and the sword of the Spirit in the other to build our families up, we can be sure they are worth our full effort.